Here’s the thing about bartending: drunk people say a lot of dumb shit. So much dumb shit, it’s unbelievable, but here we are. People like to have a good time, and who are we to judge? (Well, we’ll judge the shit out of you for putting ice in your wine, though. Stop that, Karen.)
Sometimes, though – hoooo boy. The stupid is real. But the thing about the service industry is that while you’re dying to be a snarky prick, most of the time, you can’t. Sure, there are those bartenders who excel at the art of being an under-the-radar dick. But in case you’re not skilled in the art of Shinobi shit-talk, we’ve laid out some scenarios you might face.
What’s good here?
What you want to say: Everything, motherf*cker. Now pick something. And no stupid drinks.
What you should say: Everything! How about a beer?
Don’t I look 21?
What you want to say: You look 15. And let’s be real: the older I get, the harder it is to tell who’s out of high school anymore. Please give me your ID, so I don’t go to jail for a variety of reasons.
What you should say: Sorry, regardless of how old you might look, I card everyone.
Can you make me something special?
What you want to say: You’re not special. You’re an asshole for even asking. Is this your first time in a bar? If you want a prize, go to Chuck E. Cheese.
What you should say: Give me a second. (Make a Sex on the Beach)
Can you make me something fun?
What you want to say: This is a bar, not an amusement park for your self satisfaction, Sharon. Order a fucking whiskey like an adult.
What you should say: How about a vodka cranberry?
Why don’t you guys have a coat check?
What you want to say: Look around. Does this place scream “coat check” to you? Go to the club. Go get bottle service, you douche.
What you should say: (See ‘What you want to say’)
What are your favorite stupid questions and comebacks? If you say them, we can’t get in trouble. So go ahead, be mean! We don’t care. Hit us with your best shot.